If a person is unpleasant, what to do? How to build a relationship with unpleasant people. We limit communication with "extra" people

We have all met people who are simply unbearable to be around. But what to do? How can you continue to work effectively and feel normal if you cannot avoid communicating with people you don’t like?

For starters, it’s worth remembering that “intolerable” people are often just very different from us. The world is very diverse, and others may have radically different ideas and beliefs. If we look at these differences with an open mind, we can understand that in most cases, different doesn't mean "wrong" or "bad" - it's just different.

Moreover, we do not know what this moment happens to a person. Perhaps he is going through a difficult period now, and constant stress is affecting his behavior. Therefore, before judging someone and calling him unpleasant, show the ability to empathize, try to look at the situation through his eyes. Try to understand others and, most likely, you will be able to build more friendly relations with them.

2. Focus on the positives

It is often easier for us to see only those qualities of a person that cause us unpleasant emotions. To make communication with him more comfortable, try to pay attention to his positive aspects. It is quite possible that as a result you will learn about many of its valuable qualities, which are not always noticeable at first sight.

As you begin to pay attention to these qualities and praise your colleague for displaying them, you are likely to see their behavior begin to change for the better, and with it the dynamics of your relationship.

3. Remember: You only control your behavior.

It's easy to blame a particular person or the situation as a whole for your experiences, but unfortunately, even if you don't like the behavior of the other, trying to change it will not lead to anything.

Each of us is responsible only for our own thoughts, feelings and actions - and this is all that we can control. It doesn't matter how angry or dissatisfied you are - only you, and not anyone else, control your emotions and behavior. Focus on what you personally can do to improve the situation. Think about how you can best respond to something that irritates you. Try to restrain the first impulsive reaction so as not to aggravate the situation.

4. Learn to set boundaries

Everyone has different personal boundaries: some are open, easily sharing any details from life, others prefer to close themselves off from the world and remain silent even in the company of friends.

It is important to be aware of both your own boundaries and the personal boundaries of your colleagues. If your boundaries are violated, consider that perhaps the person did it unconsciously: it's just that their own boundaries are much less rigid than yours. In this case, clearly, confidently and calmly explain where your boundaries are, let them know about your preferences and needs.

In most cases with a stranger, it's best to stick to formal boundaries until you get to know them well enough to know where the line between acceptable and offensive lies for them.

As Pythagoras said, live with people so that your friends do not become enemies, and enemies become friends, but if a person is unpleasant, what should you do? How to build a relationship with unpleasant people? Why do people happen to be evil, rude and tactless boors?

Good and bad qualities of a person

You can identify good and bad qualities person, but it is important to remember that there is no bad people, there are those who feel bad, as accurately noted in one of the statuses. Or there are those who consider themselves bad or unworthy and behave accordingly. Happy people certainly do not purposefully interfere with the happiness of others, even if they do not contribute.

How to behave with an unpleasant interlocutor? Firstly, do not attribute all his words and actions to your own account (the parable “How to respond to an insult”).

How to respond to an insult?.. A parable about the right reaction.

“One of the students asked the Buddha: - If someone insults me, humiliates or hits me, how should I answer? The Buddha replied: - If a dry branch falls on you from a tree and hits you, how will you react? The student said: - What will I do? It's a mere accident, a mere coincidence, that I ended up under a tree when a dry branch fell from it.

The Buddha said, “So do the same. Someone was mad, angry or upset when they insulted, hit or tried to humiliate you. It's like a branch from a tree has fallen on you. Don't let it bother you, just go your own way as if nothing happened."

Secondly, try to understand how your behavior hurt his “sore spot”, if possible, treat him with sympathy and understand (the parable “Why people are evil”). Stick to the rule: the best way to defeat the enemy is to love him!

Why are people evil? A wise story about kindness.

One day a man came to Buddha and spat in his face. The Buddha wiped his face and asked, "Is that all or do you want something else?" His disciple Ananda saw everything and naturally became furious. He jumped up and, seething with anger, exclaimed:

Master, just let me and I'll show him! He needs to be punished! - Ananda, you want to become enlightened, but you constantly forget about it, answered the Buddha.

This poor fellow has suffered too much already. Just look at his face, his bloodshot eyes! Surely he did not sleep all night and was tormented before deciding on such an act. Spitting at me is the outcome of this madness and his life.

But it can also be liberation. Be compassionate towards him. You can kill him and become as crazy as he is! The man listened to this dialogue. He was confused and puzzled. He wanted to insult and humiliate the Buddha, but for some reason he felt humiliated. The love and compassion shown by the Buddha came as a complete surprise to him.

Go home and rest, said the Buddha. - You look bad. You've already punished yourself enough. Forget this incident and don't worry, it didn't harm me. This body is made of dust and sooner or later will turn into dust again, and people will walk on it. The man got up wearily and left, hiding his tears. In the evening he came back and fell at the feet of the Buddha and said:

Forgive me! "There is no question of me forgiving you because I was not angry," replied the Buddha. - I didn't judge you. But I am happy to see that you have come to your senses and that the hell you have been in has ceased for you. Go in peace. It was wise parable about kindness and compassion."

Sometimes such attempts are unsuccessful, and, suppose, you have to communicate with this person due to professional obligations, or related ones (for example, with a client, boss, traffic cop, on the phone, with mother-in-law, son-in-law, etc.).

Psychological types of interlocutors

There are several psychological types of interlocutors with whom it is unpleasant to communicate, we will conditionally divide them into several groups, here they are:

"Nihilist" - often goes beyond the scope of the conversation. During the conversation, he behaves impatiently, is unrestrained and agitated. With his position and approach, he confuses the interlocutor and unconsciously pushes him to disagree with his theses and statements.

“Know-it-all” - everything has its own opinion, constantly demands a word and shows initiative that suppresses the interlocutor.

“Loquacious” - often tactless and without any apparent reason interrupts the conversation. Pays no attention to the time he spends on his attacks.

A cold-blooded impregnable interlocutor - feels out of time and space, as well as out of the topic and situation of a particular conversation. Everything seems to him unworthy of his attention and efforts.

“Important bird” - such an interlocutor sees criticism in everything. Feels and behaves like a person standing above other interlocutors.

“Why” - it seems that he participates in the conversation to compose and ask questions, regardless of whether they have a real basis or are far-fetched.

“Cautious” - he is more willing to remain silent, afraid to say something that, in his opinion, may look stupid or funny.
An uninterested interlocutor - the topic of the conversation does not interest him at all. He would gladly sleep through the whole conversation.

Sometimes, these types of behavior can be deliberately resorted to by people with manipulative goals. In many cases, such styles of behavior are nothing more than “masks” that hide the wounds and injuries of a person, a kind of protective behavior.

How to maintain peace of mind during a conversation

Having met in a conversation with an unpleasant interlocutor, how to maintain peace of mind during a conversation? You can take the following countermeasures to keep your peace of mind and keep your goals in mind.

In a conversation with a Nihilist who strongly rejects your proposals, it is advisable to discuss and substantiate controversial points, if they are known, before the start of the main part of the conversation. You are required to remain cool and strive to maintain the required level of competence.

See to it that, whenever possible, decisions are formulated in the words of the Nihilist. try to find out real reasons his nihilism by talking to him face to face, in a confidential atmosphere. In very difficult cases, insist that the conversation be suspended, and continue it later, when "heads have cooled down."

In a conversation with a know-it-all who hammers you with his knowledge, you should be reminded from time to time that others also want to speak out. Give him the opportunity to deduce and formulate intermediate conclusions.

In case of controversial statements, give the floor to other participants in the conversation to express their point of view. Sometimes ask him difficult special questions, which, if necessary, can be answered by those who participate in the conversation.

A “talkative” interlocutor who takes the initiative should be stopped with maximum tact and asked what he sees as a connection with the issue under discussion. Find out the opinion of other participants in the conversation, if necessary, limit the time of the entire conversation. Make sure he doesn't turn problems upside down just to look at them from a new angle.

When talking with an “impregnable” interlocutor, you must try to interest him in the subject of discussion, ask, for example: “It seems that you do not quite agree with what was said? It's interesting to know why." Try to find out the reasons for this behavior.

In the course of a business conversation with a person wearing a “important bird” mask, one should not allow him to play the role of a guest in a conversation. It is necessary to imperceptibly invite him to take an equal position with the rest of the participants in the conversation, not to allow any criticism of people present or absent. Be mindful of your purpose for the conversation. In a conversation, use the “yes, but…” method.

In a conversation with a “cautious” person who raises many questions, all his questions related to the topic of the conversation should be immediately forwarded to all participants in the conversation, and if he is alone, to himself. Answer questions of an informational nature immediately and immediately recognize his rightness if it is not possible to give the desired answer.

In a conversation with a "disinterested" interlocutor, you should ask questions and give the topic of conversation an interesting and attractive form. Ask stimulating questions and try to find out what interests him personally.

Thus, the answer to the question if a person is unpleasant, what to do and how to properly build communication with unpleasant people lies in the ability to calm down in time and, armed with psychological knowledge, conduct a conversation as friendly as possible.

Every day we communicate with huge amount of people. Unfortunately, it is impossible to always meet only with those who are dear to you, close or just pleasant to talk to. Quite often there are situations when the interlocutor is unpleasant for you for some reason, but you have to communicate with him regularly. Emotions at such moments are difficult to hide, but still, you can use a few tips to reduce your dislike a little.

First, determine the reason for your relationship with this person. In this case leading role external data, some distinctive manners of behavior, the attitude of a person towards you at the moment of communication can play. It is likely that this interlocutor behaves incorrectly towards you, for example, makes offensive jokes about you, sarcastically, makes unreasonable remarks. In any case, if during a conversation with this person you experience a feeling of discomfort, then this should be reported. This must be done as correctly as possible so that hostility does not develop into constant conflicts. Tactfully hint to the interlocutor that you do not like some moments in his behavior.

by the most in a simple way ridding yourself of communication with unpleasant people is the maximum distance of them from yourself. For example, if you have to see a person every day and he is your colleague, then try to schedule your working day in such a way that your communication is minimal. And at some points, you can even begin to ignore it. For example, if you are communicating with someone on a work issue, and an unpleasant interlocutor is trying in every way to intervene, then just try not to react either to his words or to his presence. If the interference in the conversation becomes persistent and intrusive, then ask the unpleasant colleague to attend to his job duties.

Another situation is if an unpleasant person is not only present in your circle of friends, but is also one of your close relatives. In such a situation, it is not always possible to limit meetings, sometimes they are forced. However, it is much easier to sort things out with a relative than with an ordinary acquaintance or work colleague. It is likely that the attitude towards you is due to some particular situation.

Most better ways impact on an unpleasant person is the use of a sense of humor and the maximum removal of him from himself. As soon as the interlocutor tries to offend or offend you with something, try to turn his act into a joke, you can even make fun of his behavior. Thus, you will not only put the offender in an awkward position, but also give a kind of rebuff to his attack. The main thing is to never react to provocations, just try not to notice the person you don’t like, not to react to his words, not to respond with aggression to aggression.

The reason for hostility to a person can be anything. From unacceptable behavior and boorish manner of communication to an eccentric habit of dressing. The first thing we are trying to determine is how to communicate with an unpleasant person if this is necessary and it will not be possible to abstract? Let's try to figure out what the nature of hostility is and which ones should be adhered to with unpleasant people.

What is the nature of hostility?

Psychologists say that the reason for hostility towards a person is in the projection. Projection is a defensive tool based on attributing to another person a quality that has been repressed from one's own personality. Simply put, irritation is caused by what we do not allow ourselves or that character trait that is not allowed to be in our own personality.

Anyone can be an unpleasant person: a relative, a child, a colleague, a neighbor, a boss. Proximity and constant communication with a person that causes irritation poisons existence. Relationships with close but unpleasant people invariably deteriorate due to guilt over their own irritability.

It is not easy when a person is rude or behaves defiantly in your presence. In any case, copying inappropriate behavior and succumbing to provocation is not an option. Do not forget that your opinion about people is subjective. What is unacceptable for you is quite acceptable for others. If a person is unpleasant to you, then it is likely that people consider him charismatic and sweet in communication.

Remain calm in dealing with an unpleasant interlocutor. Giving in to provocation is not the best solution.

Perhaps you will better understand how to communicate with an unpleasant person if you conduct an experiment. Think of the person who annoys you. What is he? Describe what qualities you dislike and try to copy it. Repeat his tone, use his phrases, move like him. Now think about how you could interact with this person and what life difficulties can be solved with such qualities.

Keys to communicating with an unpleasant person

We cannot completely eliminate unpleasant people from our lives. Ill-mannered rude people can be found on the street, in transport, visiting friends, at the place of work. Wherever you have to communicate with an unpleasant person, observing simple rules You will save your nerves, positive mood and self-esteem. So:

• Don't copy inappropriate behavior. If a person with whom communication cannot be avoided behaves unacceptably, sinking to his level is a ridiculous decision. When emotions "pour over the edge", it is not easy, so people automatically copy boorish behavior. Remember that you should communicate with others the way you want them to communicate with you. And no one likes ill-mannered rude people.

Do not argue with an idiot - others will not see the difference between you.

Some people may not realize that communicating with them is unpleasant for you. Be honest with those around you. If you cannot fulfill the request - say it directly, without making excuses. If you don’t want to communicate, say it with restraint and gently.

Do everything in your power to avoid becoming an "unpleasant person" yourself. First of all, respect other people's time. It is terribly annoying when a person is late for a meeting and makes himself wait. In the process of communicating with others, remember that only you can control your behavior and the result of the conversation depends on you. Sometimes we cannot choose an interlocutor, but the choice of a course of action is ours.

The world is not perfect, and people are not angels - we all have to learn this simple truth back in early childhood. Hostility to a person most often does not exempt from the need to communicate with him, work in a team, and even ask for services. Experts say that with the most unpleasant person you can build a good relationship. Let's try to figure out together how this can be done.

5 reasons to learn how to get along with unpleasant people

1. own nerves. If socializing with people is still impossible to avoid, then it makes sense to make it more enjoyable. This will help save nerve cells and not think that they are not restored. Of course, this is a joke. But the stress that a person experiences when dealing with unpleasant interlocutors does not lead to comic consequences.
2. Maintaining your own authority. When we show signs that we are uncomfortable with communication, it reduces our credibility in the eyes of others. Any constructive discussion can turn into mutual accusations, insults and loss of respect. You need it? Hardly.
3. Problem solving. The peculiarities of human psychology are such that people often refuse to solve problems in order not to communicate with those who are unpleasant to them. This does not improve the situation and complicates life in general.
4. Lack of choice. During consultations, psychologists often find out that their visitors suffer from dealing with unpleasant people, but have to endure, because. you don't have to choose. Take it for granted that on the way to your goal, during your career growth, you do not always choose the environment. It develops under the influence of external factors.
5. Ability to adapt. The psychology of behavior depends on. Accept the idea that you yourself are eager to learn how to get along with unpleasant people. dream of acquiring a new skill that will help you better adapt to society. Try to experience the real excitement!

There are simple tricks to simplify communication with unpleasant people and even make them your allies:

• Avoid"dangerous" topics and look for neutral, but rather pleasant ones. If you've had a heated argument about something before, don't bring it up. It is better to ask friendly questions about work, hobbies, family, successes of children.
• Let's speak out. Your task is to seem like a pleasant conversationalist, which means you talk less and listen more. Smile, nod and... keep quiet. You may need to better understand people and learn how to properly maintain a conversation.
• Follow behind body language. Control gestures that betray your disinterest or dislike in a conversation: shift less, do not look at your watch, do not take closed poses. Relax!
• Don't be sarcastic. You may think that sarcasm speaks of your sense of humor. Forget! This is a form of attack, and the answer will not be long in coming.
• Don't take anything personally. Sometimes it seems that sarcastic statements are directed at you personally, but this is not always the case. Abstract!
• Rest. Communication with an unpleasant person is very tiring, so take pauses and breaks.
• Contact for advice or ask for a small favor. Human psychology is such that we involuntarily feel sympathy for people who recognize our importance. Asking for advice or a favor is the surest way to show your respect and gain trust.
• Find something nice and say it. No matter how unpleasant a person is, he certainly knows how to do something well. Find those positives and compliment when appropriate.

Following simple recommendations, you can end the endless confrontation with unpleasant people. You will be able to arrange them for yourself, and you yourself will become better at treating them. It is possible that yesterday's opponent and "enemy" will become your friend and adviser. This often happens.